I'm getting ready to go back to university. It’s a big adjustment
for me - I'm in my mid thirties, and have a successful career in a large
corporation that pays well, that has excellent wages and conditions. I have what I craved throughout my twenties. I have an intellectually
stimulating job that provides me with respect, and now I'm going to throw that
all away… to go study for many years at a course that will eventually provide
me with a career that will be poorly paid and poorly respected.
And it’s the best thing I ever did.
I'm a planner. Its what I do for a living. I plan things. However,
the planning I do is often a coping mechanism to control my surroundings, to
better cope with my anxiety. And right now, that's something that's
increasingly being taken from me. I've rolled the dice and decided I'm going
back to university in just over a month.
I just cashed in a week's annual leave at work to buy myself a new
computer. There was a big sale on computers that ended yesterday. Normally, I’d
fully check out all the options available, dither about it for several months
before deciding on an option, well after I initially had the idea. But I don’t
have time. I’m working to someone else’s deadlines here. Its terrifying to a
certain extent, and from time to time I check in with myself and I’m either impressed
with how I’m coping, or dreading the anxiety that hasn’t seemed to hit yet.
Right now, I’m looking at what needs to be done and just doing it.
One thing at a time. I need a new computer, do what I need to do to get one.
Check.
I need to tidy the study – do what I need to do to tidy up. *gulp*
It’s a mess in there.
This is not to say that its all computers and good news. I had a
big gaming tournament that was slated for early March. I had elected to take
the Friday before the tournament off work, as there are events on the Friday
through to the Sunday. I had built a (expensive for me) deck in the relevant
format, one that I have never played before. I had made financial decisions for
the past four months that would bring me to that tournament.
And it clashes with the only on-campus classes I have all
semester.
I’m not going to say I wasn’t disappointed. It was a gutpunch. I’m
still very sad about it – all the time and money preparing for the event just
seems… wasted now. But I’m taking what I can from it – I’ve gained a lot of
knowledge about a format of the game I really had no idea about before. I’m
also discussing a possible trip to Sydney for a similar event in July.
So much going on, so many choices… I haven’t even gone into all the
machinations to find out if my job will allow me to drop back to part time
hours or not. There’s a lot going on – but I’m not over analysing everything
and trying to control it – because there’s just so much I can’t even begin to
control. Huh. No control, less anxiety. Let me think about that for a while.
