Introductions and that pesky second arrow

I'll just admit this, right now. This is not a blog about someone coming and imparting their wisdom. This is me, talking about the ways in which I learn, fuck up and learn some more.

I recently experienced some difficult times. I am an anxious person at the best of times. I couldn't sleep. I pull my hair out. I was anxious about my performance at work, and there was too much work to possibly complete on my own. Something had to give.

So I did something odd. Something that good old rationalist me fought as I did it. I started attending meditation sessions at Melbourne Insight Meditation and listening to the basic Mindfulness Meditation course by Gil Fronsdal of the Insight Mediation Centre in the US.

And I have learnt so much about myself over the past few months that I wanted to document my experience and share with the world some of the things I've learned. Not because I know it all, but because I don't.

So why was I just so stressed out? Mainly because I was hung up on how things should be, rathern than how they were. I was stressed because I was doing very long days at work, because I was, in effect, covering two peoples worth of work, but there was only one of me. However, this in and of itself wasn't the problem.

The problem was that I kept beating myself up over the poor quality of my work. Over the fact that things were consistently not being done on time. While everyone in my workplace understood that I was under the pump, I was beating myself up because I was holding myself to an impossible standard. I felt that I should be able to do better.

When I heard Gil Fronsdal talk about the Sutta of the Arrow, something just clicked in my head. The Sutta basically outlines the way in which we make things difficult for ourselves by fighting things that can't be fought. We have bad things happen to us, which is like being shot with an arrow. It hurts and is difficult. However, when we stress out about unfortunate things, or get angry, its like we are getting shot with a second arrow. While we might not be able to avoid the original misfortune, we all have the power to influence the way we react to misfortune.

In reality, I simply couldn't do better at work. I won an award for my performance through that period. However, I felt that I wasn't good enough.

Armed with the understanding that I was only stressing myself out more, I realised that I didn't have to remain helpless in my situation. I had the power to change the way I thought about the stress and overwork I was feeling. I had the power to forgive myself.

And its not a quick fix. It takes practice. I continue to be harsh upon myself. And from time to time, I remind myself that either I am doing enough, or I am not doing enough. If I'm doing enough, I need to give myself a break. If I'm not doing enough, well, I just need to do more.